The 2017 college football season is just around the corner. By that, I mean it is six long and dreadful weeks away. Soon the weekend will have purpose again. Until then, we wait. Like children on Christmas Eve. Although we are in what seems like fan purgatory, we have the opportunity to be proactive and gather up all the necessary essentials to take our college football tailgate experience to the next level. Grab a note pad and walk with me as we explore all the new options available to us in our journey into inebriation.
Before we can take our drinking to the next level. It of the highest level of importance we prepare our bodies. Yes, just like Lance Armstrong’s blood doping, we too must take every opportunity to put ourselves in position to win, or in other words not die.
Thanks for the words of wisdom Lance. More seriously, and the only time I will broach seriousness in this literary masterpiece, it is actually important that you eat some sort of food and drink water before, during and after your day of debauchery. My recommendation is to eat foods high in protein, as this will slow down your metabolism. Since alcohol is absorbed through your stomach, it will aid in pacing your drunkenness. Thus allowing you to ultimately consume more alcohol. While pacing yourself on the surface sounds counterproductive, let’s be honest with all the fire water you are about to consume, it would be beneficial to put a restrictor plate on that bad boy. We are not even in the stadium yet after all.
1. Fire Disc
Hands down, my best tip when cooking for an entire tailgate would be to use a fire disc. What is a fire disc you might ask? Think of a Chinese Wok. I stumbled across this fine piece of culinary ingenuity while camping in the middle of Nebraska. An Oklahoma native by the name of Randy, who just kind of showed up by himself and partied with us all weekend used this camping sorcery to prepare some of the best food I have ever had while miles away from civilization. The mixture of flavors provided by the curved design of the wok (in Randy’s case, an old farming disc welded to a three legged base) allows for an ultimate tailgate meal. Here is an example of mass produced product that doesn’t contain fertilizer residue.
Now time to get to the good stuff, we have readied our bodies for this day. Just like a marathon runner building up stamina and completely tearing it down after 26 miles, we too must do the same. Here are some innovative drinking products that will complete the task at hand.
At first glance, the Bierstick begs the question, what took so long for somebody to invent this? At this point, it is irrelevant, the Bierstick is here and we must take full advantage of it’s capabilities. The concept is quite simple. Load that bad boy up and shoot it straight down the hatch. Video below is for academic purposes.
3. Riding Cooler
This suggestion is two fold. The riding cooler is a practical option for long walks to and from the tailgate. Secondly, although I don’t know the legality around it, the riding cooler seems like a suitable substitute to get home. As long as you keep to the sidewalk that is.
4. Hidden Flask
While the title is obvious, this is something often over-looked. Can’t tell you how many times I have had a good pre-game buzz turn into an afternoon hangover all because I didn’t take the time to properly prepare. As a Husker fan, Memorial Stadium is a majestic castle. It is also a figurative dry county in regards to alcohol. Matter of fact only 34 college football stadiums allow the sale of alcohol. Fortunately we have a few options at our finger tips to keep our buzz going on into the night.
5. Drinking Revolver
This is a slightly morbid means to get wasted. But hey, you’re drunk so lets give it a shot. The gun holds 2.oz of liquor in the handle. If the gun clicks, you are taking a drink.
6. Shot Stick
Your boss always told you team building is essential to success. What better way to take your tailgate comradery to the next level than the shot stick. Load it up and simultaneously take a shot with your friends. Timing is crucial.
This is an obvious choice. This simple bean bag game is a staple of every tailgate for a reason. No chasing ping pong balls or metal washers. Cornhole is also one of those games that no matter how many times you lose, you think you are good at it. So call next game, get beat by two middle age ladies and move on.
Now that we are ending our informational journey together, I hope these tips help you take your tailgate and your drinking to the moon.
Before anything else, preparation is the key to success.
-Alexander Graham Bell